By Rois Ola
So many of us at one time or the other have been emotionally hurt in relationships. We have felt weighed down by negative pasts and sometimes negative present. At times, this experiences the hurt trust we have for other people.
It hardens us and makes us feel cynical, believing that any new love that comes our way is just a ticking time bomb. Sometimes making us even doubt our own ability to sustain healthy relationships with other people.
If you can identify with these anxieties, you are not alone. Who out there really likes feeling vulnerable and wants to feel disappointed or hurt again? But the problem is that your negative feelings from past failed relationships won’t go away unless you deal with them.
Once a relationship has ended, you need time to move through your feelings and come to peace with them. Negative feelings need to be expressed in a healthy way.
You need enough time to get over these things, Unfortunately, most people blow off this process of healthily letting go of their soured experiences from past relationships.
Hurting and wanting to feel better, they often don’t realize that the emotional quicksand traps of their past, are not easily avoided. It is a process that you must go through.
Almost everyone has past relationship baggage. What needs to be in place, though, is the willingness to examine and work through emotional hurts and difficulties.
To succeed in a new relationship, both partners must be willing to get beyond any past hurts. If this does not happen, then one day a new partner seems to do something uncannily similar to an ex, triggering a chain of emotional reactions. Even though this is a new relationship partner, the feelings are the same, and usually the reactions are as well.
Purging your emotional ghosts
Stop dreading that you have no control over your emotional baggage—because you absolutely do. Following are three tips to help you move beyond your past relationship ghosts:
1.Take responsibility and accept what the past is about
You can try this first of all by saying to yourself (or the other person, if appropriate), “I allowed myself to fall prey to your negative ideas and toxic thoughts about me. But I will not allow you to control me anymore.”
We can all move on and grow. An ex may have told that you were not good enough, but that does not mean you have to imagine your current partner is impossible to please. You have to take the time to purge yourself of such thoughts and be strong
2.Take adequate recognition of your emotional ghosts
This is not about blaming your parents, girlfriend, boyfriend, ex-husband, old friends, or anyone else. And it is not that these individuals necessarily actually abused you.
Whatever the extent of the dysfunctional behaviors and patterns you have been exposed to, you must remember that you are the one in control—not the ghost. Indeed, either you control the emotional ghost or it controls you.
No one else can help you with this. Blaming another person for doing something to you can make you feel like a victim.
But if you stay a victim, you could be doomed to repeat negative behaviors or perpetuate negative attitudes indefinitely and never be able to successfully have a healthy relationship.
3. Separate yourself from the issues of the past
There are certain qualities that others value in you. You need to be able to trace and understand what led to those issues and connect the dots, to understand how best to react.
Was your mother angry? Take note of how you are different. Remind yourself that she was angry because her father died and her family had few financial resources, so she ended up caring for her seven siblings or any other person close to you.
Human beings are emotionally vulnerable with an intimate partner: We put our hearts and egos on the line. Yet intimate relationships don’t always go the way we want, which can leave us with complicated feelings like sadness, grief, anger, guilt, and resentment.We often find ourselves replaying old conversations and scenes with an ex-lover, or our family members, while wishing we could have a second chance—and a new outcome. Anger is usually the most identifiable and pronounced emotion when a relationship ends.
You must keep in mind that underneath anger are usually feelings of hurt, fear, sadness, and shame. Once the anger has passed, sadness may dominate, and these feelings need to be dealt with as well.
Feelings of regret also need to be worked through so that you don’t cling to the hope that your partner will magically return, all new and improved.
In most cases, with the passage of time and some emotional work, you are left with the sense that your relationship happened as it should have, that you learned from the experience, and that you’re ready to move on, hopeful that a better partner and relationship will soon come along.
Here are some simple action points/steps you can apply to help you:
Step 1: Critically analyse the situation Ask yourself why your ex is still enough of a presence in your life to be creating problems in your current relationship. Unless it’s because you share children, consider curtailing your involvement with them — or cutting off contact completely.
Step 2: search your soul in a sincere manner: Do you like having rivals for your attention? Are you keeping your ex as a back-up in case things don’t work out with your new partner? Do you harbor hopes of getting back together? If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, you’re not being fair to either person.
Step 3: Learn to prioritize put your current partner’s needs and feelings ahead of your ex’s. If you can’t, consider what that says about your present commitment.
Step 4: Never ever, ever engage your ex. Don’t play along with an ex who’s intentionally trying to cause trouble. If they come by unannounced, don’t let them in.If they call and text incessantly, ignore them. If you have to call them back, do it in front of your current partner.TIP: Beware of an ex who only wants you back when you are happily settled into a new relationship, such a person may be narcist in nature and have a point of playing games with people’s hearts.
Step 5: Always as much as possible be above board Don’t contact your ex behind your partners back. Live by this rule: If you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your partner about it, you shouldn’t be doing it, is as simple as that.
Step 6: YOU MUST present a united front: It will show your ex you’ve moved on, and reassure your partner that your past isn’t a threat. Remember: Your ex can’t destroy your relationship without your help.
In all of this maturity counts a lot as both partners have to try as much as possible to be on the same page with a little patience, tolerance and love, you both can conquer. I wish you all the best!